Lately I have been dealing with a heightened level of anxiety.
It is starting to worry me.
Like I have mentioned, I have suffered with anxiety disorders for most of my life, peaking my last semester of college. I was able to go home, start medication, and find a level of peace.
Anxiety is triggered by stress. Repeated stress leads to more anxiety and more anxiety leads to breaking points. When those breaking points hit, it is almost impossible to go back from.
I HATE having anxiety. In some ways, this is even a more personal piece of my life than weight loss. Anxiety dictates everything I do.
When I am what I refer to as "healthy" - having a steady mindset and low stress levels - I function well. I can sit in a crowded restaurant and go to church peacefully. When I have heightened anxiety I have trouble doing these things and avoid them usually. When I feel "sick" I feel incapable of doing anything.
I use the terms "healthy" and "sick" because mental diseases are physical diseases with stigmas. It is like having leprosy... and the negative connotations make people embarrassed to talk about it which will only worsen your condition because a key component to coping with anxiety and depression and mental illness is being able to communicate about it. To feel heard and important - no matter how irrational the issues might seem to someone without anxiety, they are EVERYTHING to someone with anxiety.
People often don't understand someone with anxiety's stress factors.. because the truth is, they are irrational. That is probably the worst part about having anxiety... it is irrational. I can explain all of the things bothering me and terrifying me and why they shouldn't. I can tell myself over and over again that I shouldn't be afraid of church-goers, movie-goers, and my class mates. I can tell myself they aren't all focusing on me, and if I say the wrong thing I won't be made fun of for years. But the fact of the matter is, you can't convince my MIND anything different.
And sadly, when it all builds up, it becomes a big problem. I feel like I'm on the brink of this now. I can't stand sitting still, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I just want to sleep. It's depressed and disheartening.
People without anxiety don't understand the fragile box I live in. I have to monitor how much I put on my plate and what situations I put myself in.
I hate taking medication, but let's face it, I am an absolute disaster without it. Someday I hope to go off of it, but I know it's not time yet.
I didn't want to write about this, but I knew I needed someway to express this or I wouldn't make it much longer.
MC
