Begin Again

Blue Eyed Banjo is a new venture I am embarking on. It is a tool in which I have decided to use for personal accountability in so many things. I had success in a short term photographic blog a few years ago, and decided to take the same concept to apply it to my current goals!

I will use this blog to chronicle my journey with my health and weight loss, as well as other little tid-bits from my funny little life. I love design, photography, traveling, my dog (Griffin) and my stud of a boyfriend, Uriah! I fully intend to saturate this blog with those things, along with my ride to skinny town.

This isn't a success story blog.. yet. This one is all about the journey, y'all. I have a long way to go with a lot of obstacles, but it has to be done.

I guess I should lay some foundations in regards to who I am, where I've been, and what I want.

I wasn't born a fat kid. I was very active as a child -- t-ball, basketball, dance, etc. In fact, I didn't start getting chubby until I was about ten or so. I don't know where the weight came from other than I had very poor eating habits and only had a vague perception of what 'health' was. As you will see, when it comes to weight with me, when it rains it pours. I steadily gained weight and stopped activities -- predictably, a terrible combination. With weight gain came teasing. Teasing incited insecurities. Insecurities led to comfort eating. Comfort eating led to gaining more weight and launching a vicious cycle in my life. It didn't take long to realize that the more I put myself 'out there', the more likely to being noticed (and consequently teased) I was so my naturally extroverted personality began to shrink back. Unfortunately, around this time I also developed some social anxiety. I pretty much couldn't bear to be around other people, which made school and even church especially daunting. Grades suffered and the vicious cycle continued.

I could go on about the years of junior high and high school, but it is essentially the same story. The summer before junior high, I was told if I practiced and spent a lot of money (that my family didn't have) on tennis camps and equipment and tournaments, that I could make the team.. so we did. We spent all summer working on my tennis.. we were at tournaments almost every weekend. I worked my butt off. When school started, we were placed in the tennis class until try outs were over. I worked hard, but also noticed that my stocky body wasn't as swift as the country club girls' in the class. I didn't make the team. Not only that, but I didn't make the team when some of the people I did better in tryouts than did. I was humiliated, devastated, and had to embarrassingly change my schedule. Obviously, this only provoked my stress, anxieties, and inferiority complexes. I was active in and had a great passion for choir and theater but refused to audition for any role for fear of being the center of attention and potential ridicule. I guess I never developed a thick skin -- I think God gave me a sensitive soul. Needless to say, I didn't accomplish much more than idle dreaming about what life could be during this time period. I did not date. I didn't WANT to date. I didn't have many, but the few options I had I refused because I didn't want to be close to anyone. It was easier safer being my own everything.

When I went off to college, I was able to see my personality resurface. Slowly, but surely, I became confident in the small, Christian environment where I went to school. I was accepted, made good friends, had an active social life, and really enjoyed my new found self. Eating habits, however, suffered. Cafeteria food was gross, and living in the dorms you have few options. Pizza and sugary cereal were a safe bet when the lettuce on the 'salad bar' was starting to shrivel (gag!). I also didn't have any tools for success. Like I mentioned before, 'healthy' wasn't a solid concept to me. I mean, I did go through a phase where I at grape nuts for three months straight, but I really don't think that was anything close to being healthy. My weight typically plateaued during school and went up during summertime, as I spent that time at home and, well, not as poor. During this time, I was also diagnosed with a disease that runs in my family: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It sucks. It messes with your hormones and insulin levels and all sorts of body stuff. Another HUGE side effect of PCOS: it is easier for someone to with this disease to gain weight and much more difficult for them to lose it. I started taking some medication, but nothing really ever helped.

Before my last semester of college, my mother recommended I try HCG. Now, I have heard every opinion possibly ever about HCG and how horrible it is for you -- but guess what? It worked! I lost about 25 lbs right off which was the first time I had ever had such success. Then, I experienced my last semester of college which was filled with enough drama to last a life time and I consequently saw my anxiety peak so high I almost abandoned school before graduation. Well, I made it.. but moved back home to live with my family and get both my anxiety and health under control.

It's been two years since then, and I have made a lot of progress and done maybe even more backsliding. I'm just really tired of this game that is not fun AT ALL.

I have had some pretty amazing things happen in that time, though... I got a puppy who became my best friend and then met an extremely attractive man named Uriah and fell in love! My motivation for a healthier life revolves around the new life I've found, now. I want better for myself and the future and it has to happen like yesterday now.

Stay tuned. :]

Megan