Sweet 16 Inspiration Board for Minted.com

untitled 1 board by Megan. See more Minted party invitations

Living with Anxiety

Lately I have been dealing with a heightened level of anxiety.
It is starting to worry me.
Like I have mentioned, I have suffered with anxiety disorders for most of my life, peaking my last semester of college. I was able to go home, start medication, and find a level of peace.

Anxiety is triggered by stress. Repeated stress leads to more anxiety and more anxiety leads to breaking points. When those breaking points hit, it is almost impossible to go back from.

I HATE having anxiety. In some ways, this is even a more personal piece of my life than weight loss. Anxiety dictates everything I do.

When I am what I refer to as "healthy" - having a steady mindset and low stress levels - I function well. I can sit in a crowded restaurant and go to church peacefully. When I have heightened anxiety I have trouble doing these things and avoid them usually. When I feel "sick" I feel incapable of doing anything.

I use the terms "healthy" and "sick" because mental diseases are physical diseases with stigmas. It is like having leprosy... and the negative connotations make people embarrassed to talk about it which will only worsen your condition because a key component to coping with anxiety and depression and mental illness is being able to communicate about it. To feel heard and important - no matter how irrational the issues might seem to someone without anxiety, they are EVERYTHING to someone with anxiety.

People often don't understand someone with anxiety's stress factors.. because the truth is, they are irrational. That is probably the worst part about having anxiety... it is irrational. I can explain all of the things bothering me and terrifying me and why they shouldn't. I can tell myself over and over again that I shouldn't be afraid of church-goers, movie-goers, and my class mates. I can tell myself they aren't all focusing on me, and if I say the wrong thing I won't be made fun of for years. But the fact of the matter is, you can't convince my MIND anything different.

And sadly, when it all builds up, it becomes a big problem. I feel like I'm on the brink of this now. I can't stand sitting still, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I just want to sleep. It's depressed and disheartening.

People without anxiety don't understand the fragile box I live in. I have to monitor how much I put on my plate and what situations I put myself in.

I hate taking medication, but let's face it, I am an absolute disaster without it. Someday I hope to go off of it, but I know it's not time yet.

I didn't want to write about this, but I knew I needed someway to express this or I wouldn't make it much longer.

MC

Uriah's Visit!

Started off the weekend with Chai Lattes 

Cutest thing ever, right?

Date night!

Sangria Swirl

The Funky Door

Bananas Foster Fondue 

Mom & Me!

Uriah Grilling on Mother's Day!

Typical.

Smitten.

After FOUR LONG MONTHS I finally got to see my handsome, diver boyfriend! Uriah has been in Houston studying to become a Master Diver. For what we have wanted to do, we felt it was best (although MUCH harder) for me to stay in Lubbock with my family and job. It has been quite possibly the hardest and longest four months ever, and even though it's not over (he graduates in August) it feels so much more manageable. We had the best weekend! Uriah helped move his mother, Brinda, here this weekend so she will be an added bonus to this town!! Uriah, Brinda, my mom, and I all hung out Saturday morning and had lunch together. Then Uriah and I did some shopping, he got to meet one of my very best friends, Paige, for the first time and we played with the baby she was baby-sitting (see the cutest picture ever above.) Then we got ready and went on our date night to Abuelo's. He had a margarita on the rocks and I had a sangria/margarita swirl. YUM. THEN he suprised me and took me to The Funky Door - just about the coolest local winery/ fondue place where he ordered my favorite - bananas foster fondue. We were so full we could pretty much only look at it! Sunday Uriah and I went to church with my mom for Mother's day, then went grocery shopping and had a HUGE cookout for BOTH of our mothers! He bought his mom lilies and I bought my mom peonies (her favorite) and we displayed them on the table around the strawberry cake with cream cheese frosting I made. I really wish I had taken pictures of all of this. Savanna helped me decorate with some puffs and while I baked and prepped all of the sides, Uriah manned the grill with the mexican hot dogs and burgers. We have been so blessed by our mother's and wanted to show them a great time. I seriously don't think I could have asked for a better mom. She is super woman, I swear.

So... it wasn't a weekend for physical health, I'll give you that. However, my mental health was treated to an amazing weekend! 5.5 more weeks til I get to see my handsome, loving, kind man again. He loves me for me. I wasn't sure I would ever be blessed enough to feel that, but God provided, like always. So grateful.

xoxo
Megan

Embracing Your Body Type

I was scrolling through Pinterest recently (side note: sometimes I use pinterest as a tool to keep my mind focused on healthy things - no, I wasn't scrolling the food section - we would be in trouble then - I go through the health & fitness page and motivational quotes to saturate my thoughts) and I came across an article about different body types.

Three Body Types - Ectomorph,
Mesomorph, and Endomorph

I knew about body types in women - pear, apple, rectangle, octagon (kidding), and what have you but hadn't heard of the terms "ectomorph," "mesomorph," and "endomorph" before. The more I read the more obvious it became that I am the latter of the three. To be precise, most people are variations of a couple of these, and according to the test I took I am in between a mesomorph and endomorph leaning more towards endomorph. Let me explain what these terms mean a little more...

Cameron Diaz - Ectomorph

I think we all know someone who can eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce of weight, or someone who has even been told by a doctor they need to gain weight. Although this may seem idyllic to someone like me who registers on the opposite end of the scale (literally and figuratively,) I'm not ignorant to the fact that  not all people like this feel it's a blessing. Either way, when you think of a person like this the chances are that you're thinking of a person with an ectomorphic body type. Think Kate Moss, Cameron Diaz, or Audrey Hepburn. Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper are male examples. They are usually longer and leaner. Ectomorphs cover the majority of fashion magazines and they are more likely to be in cardiovascular sports.

Jennifer Garner - Mesomorph

The second body type is called mesomorph. These are what I think of as "natural athletes." They are strong and muscular. They usually don't have a problem losing weight or gaining muscle - their metabolisms are efficient. Their shoulders tend to be wider than their hips. You can see a lot of these body types in professional sports like tennis and body building. Infamous Hollywood muscle heads like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone fall into this category. Some famous female mesomorphs are Halle Berry, Demi Moore, and Jennifer Garner.

Sofia Vergara - Endomorph

I often have described myself as someone able to gain weight just from looking at food. This is why I fall mostly into the third body type called endomorph. Endomorphs gain fat very easily and losing weight is very difficult. They have smaller more rounded shoulders, high waist and tend to carry the majority of their weight in their abdomen, hips, and buttocks (hello me!) Endomorphs have slow metabolisms which can be unforgiving when eating unhealthily. They do, however, gain muscle easily. A lot of endomorphs tend to be obese (think Roseanne, Oprah, and Jack Black) but something I found neat about the endomorph body, is that when it is in shape, it is hardly rivaled in feminine physiques. Some examples of healthy endomorphs are Marilyn Monroe, Sofia Vergara, and Beyonce. Ow ow! (A healthy male example would be Russell Crowe.)

Marilyn Monroe - Endomorph

Learning this made me stop mid step and think about what my goal was. I've never wanted to be rail thin, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be tall and thin like an ectomorph. Since I do love sports, I've even thought about being as toned and strong as a mesomorph. But the fact of the matter is this: I am an endomorph. If I were to ever become an ectomorph (which I will never be) I would be making myself extremely ill. My shoulders will never be as broad and strong as a mesomorph (which will probably mean that my tennis and volleyball serves won't be as great as the pros - darn!) But in a funny way it has also relieved so much pressure from me! First of all - there is a reason I am the way I am. I am an endomorph. Second - there is a reason I am not like models - I am an endomorph (which makes me sad for the world in a whole other way.) Third- conquering this means it IS something that not everyone is meant to do. Ectomorphs and Mesomorphs don't have the same battle as I (we) do because it is EASY for them and it makes me feel somewhat confident about achieving something they never had to work for. Like being successful in a career coming from poverty versus being born into wealth. Lastly - Working towards looking like an hour glass bombshell? That's a goal right there I can get behind!

I did some research on what the best eating and exercises are. I've read some conflicting theories about exercise for endomorphs - some say because gaining muscle is easy, that you should focus on that and others say that because there is so much extra weight you should focus on cardio. If anyone has some solid ideas I would love to hear them. Until then, I think I will continue the combination of both - kettle bell is a good source of  mixing the two. Because endomorphs are prone to high insulin levels and gaining weight easily - bad carbs are to be avoided *almost* entirely - I'm not a no-carb fanatic, but let's face it - they aren't doing me any favors. Meals should be mostly composed of protein with healthy carbs found in vegetables and whole grains, and a little bit of healthy fat (nuts, eggs, olive oil.) It's a good thing for an endomorph to stock up on their lean meats and veggies with a side of fruit.



Time to embrace my strengths and learn from my weaknesses.

Male Body Type Examples

xoxo
Beyonce  Megan

Some websites used for research:
http://www.superskinnyme.com/body-types.html
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/determining-your-body-type.html

Female Body Type Examples

Friday Friday Friday

Today I am celebrating a 13 lb overall weight loss! Hoo-rah!!

The weight loss is going slower than I am used to, but I'm also learning so much more about living a healthy life rather than crash dieting.

Something that has really helped me is educating myself on the food industry. It's almost shameful to think of all the toxins I have put in my body. I don't mean to sound too "granola" for you, but that might be just what I am. I love naturopathy. I believe that God created our bodies to function in a certain way with the nutrients and foods he gave us in an environment he designed our bodies to be in. Because it's fallen , the world has been polluted and manipulated in so many ways, that even our FRUITS and VEGGIES aren't completely natural anymore. Kind of makes me sad.

That being said, if we have these bodies designed to intake nutrients and export wastes in a certain way, what does our body do with all of these man made additives that we put in our bodies? Sometimes it finds a way to get rid of them, and sometimes not. Sometimes they manifest themselves in various parts of the body and sometimes those manifestations turn into diseases, disorders, and cancers.

Genesis Pure - Liquid Cleanse -
cleanses  colon, liver, kidneys, lungs,
 lymphatic system, skin and blood stream

I heard about a study done on West Texas breast cancer patients. When their tumors were opened, they found the same chemicals inside of them that are used on cotton crops (a notorious product of West Texas.) From this, we can safely assume that our bodies are collecting things that they don't know what to do with and aren't designed to have in them or get rid of.

So our bodies need to be cleansed of the bad (I recommend http://www.genesispure.com/product/cleanse.php - a multi channel, gentle cleanser) and to be nourished with foods that our bodies are DESIGNED to handle.

All in all, I'm enjoying going into a grocery store and realizing that it's not that I can't HAVE those foods because I'm on a diet, but I don't WANT those foods because they are full of nasty things that make me feel bad and will do bad things to me long term.

Always a work in progress.

xoxo
Megan

Easter!

Healthy Easter Basket!!

Happy belated Easter!

Sunday was Easter and yesterday I was sick, so I didn't get too much done. Also, I feel like Easter blindsided me as a holiday where you eat. Admission: I ate mom's deviled eggs and sweet potatoes (with splenda.) Not my best weekend but not my worst either.

My mom asked what I wanted in my Easter basket and I said "healthy things!"... boy did she the Easter bunny come through! And yes, there were even a couple of cadbury eggs included, but look at my loot! Big bags of natural almonds, shelled pistachios, pecans, natural popcorn, papaya, coconut chips, clif bars, sugar free gum, and water. Sweet deal! I made an awesome trail mix out of some of this stuff!

Mom: Easter 2013

I don't know if I have mentioned my mom's battle with diabetes before, but she was diagnosed, and as a geriatric nurse knew the consequences of not taking care of yourself. She has been amazing at handling herself with care, eating right, and monitoring her levels and now has lost a bit of weight. Look how hott she is!!

My Easter Ensemble!

I, myself, have been HATING buying new clothes, trying on clothes ,and etc. But, I needed something to wear for Easter Sunday. I splurged on some white skinny ankle jeans, this flowy blue top with pleated back, and matching shoes/ necklace -- p.s. the necklace was a steal at $4 and the shoes were on sale for $7. Boom!

I hope your Easter was full of feeling the love of Christ through remembering His resurrection.

Time to focus focus focus!!

xoxo Megan

First Goal Success!

I finally (FINALLY) finally made my first goal! I feel like now that this is accomplished I can move forward with other goals! And I got my first goal prize.. a new Victoria's Secret water bottle! I bought it a few days ago and it's been sitting on my dresser taunting motivating me and today I got to take it to work. My other water bottles were worn out and then I found myself spending a lot of money on fancy bottled water and I'm so glad to have this and just use the RO system in the lounge. Learning to drink like a fishy! Just how I like everything else in my life to be - cute. :]

Also, check out today's table of temptations!! It's Good Friday and people brought out the .. uh.. goods? That's a jumbo basket full of candy (including reeses eggs - a huge weakness) and a giant platter full of cookies. PTL my sugar tooth has decreased greatly since taking the NAC supplement.

Happy Good Friday to everyone. We are called to remember the day that Christ died as an offering to cover our sins and gain redemption in the eyes of God. So grateful for what this day means. :]


xoxo
Megan

The Color Run

Before the race -- It was very cold!

Guess what this chick did? A 5K!!
Saturday I completed my first 5k -- The Color Run! It was a blast... literally and figuratively. I had intentions to go and walk, but almost immediately out of the start, I decided to see what I could do. I jogged and walked most of it and finished right at an hour. The race itself made me realize how much I cannot compare myself to others. I signed up, showed up, and finished it. I can't compare myself to the 5'0 & 100lb little girls who are naturally wind resistant (and to be honest, a lot of the hard core runners were some of the grumpiest people there. :/ ) I can only say I tried, pushed myself, and did it! Although, The Color Run itself gives you a lot of incentives... periodically getting blasted with colors like a badge of honor -- happy music blasting -- if exercise were like this all the time, I think we would have a healthier country!

My Makeup

Some pictures from the day...

My Race Number

Color Run Nails

Breakfast of champions!

A Growing Crowd of 14,000!

So gross -- That's a mixture of dirt and color I think!

happy happy happy

I did it!

A Color Throw!

xoxo Megan

Evil Temptations

Happy Spring!

One of my biggest enemies in my battle for health is my own mind. I am notorious for beating myself up, but also for raging wars within myself. When I go hardcore (as I refer to it when I am in extreme focus mode), I am pretty on top of my thoughts, in regards to food.

Temptations are the worst, aren't they? What's worse than temptations, you may ask? Temptations that are thrown in your pathway. I spend a lot of time at work - 9 hours a day for 5 days a week. I go to bed pretty early, so a good portion of my waking hours are spent sitting in front of a computer screen at my desk. In front of my desk sits an empty desk. This empty desk is the most popular place besides the lounge for food to be located in our entire building. "WHY GOD WHY?? -- WHY CAN'T THIS DESK BY IN THE DARKEST CORNER OF THE BASEMENT?" But really -- last week there was a giant bag of Cadbury's Mini Eggs sitting there for a few days, and when we had a Valentine's party, there was a HUGE spread of sugar.

The lounge is a whole other story. I walked in this morning to find dozens of mini cupcakes staring back at me. It took a lot of will power not to go over and lick all the icing off of each one. Actually... that would have been pretty funny.. but not for my health!

So since I hardly prepared for this week's food, and wasn't ready for the amount of in-between meal hunger I would have, I stopped by the grocery store this morning for a lunch and snack. I found this popcorn - Angie's - 37 calories per cup. No cholesterol, gluten free, and a bunch of other good stuff. Plus the bag is mint green and adorable. And yes, I have been munching on it. Now it's hiding behind me so I will actually LIMIT myself to that cup. :]

-6.8 as of today. Yes, it's a roller coaster. No, I'm not always successful. I'm working on it. Baby steps!

I've been beating myself up lately about losing weight, and comparing myself, not so much to other people, but to myself a year ago. I year ago I went through a spell (ha!) when I lost 60 lbs. I was far from thin, but I was in a lot better shape than I am now. Now, I'm dealing with being mad at myself because I'm not in the same place. But, I've come to realize, that the weight came back last time, and I'm NOT in the same place I was this time last year. I decided to dig down deep and find my big girl panties and toughen up.

I've also been obsessing over natural eating lately. I love the idea of living off of fruits, veggies, lean meats, and whole grains... like how God made us. And to be honest, the more I learn about illnesses and food production, I get disgusted anyway.

A few of my favorites lately:

•  smart & delicious tortillas - 50 calories! I make just about everything with these. So yummy!
• yard work as exercise - really satisfies my creative needs as well as giving me a healthy dose of burning calories!
• Taralynn McNutt's blog - I've been reading her blog undressedskeleton.tumblr.com whenever I get down or frustrated. 

A few of my dislikes:

Okay, just one dislike... haters. I don't think that this has ever really been an issue that I can recall, but let it be known, just because I nod and smile it doesn't mean I'm not laughing to myself and rolling my eyes. You can try to bring me down all you would like to, it doesn't work. It's comical. I feel badly for you. You just don't deserve the "putting in place." I've got way too much going on to have to pause my life to deal with your nonsense. If you would only realize, nobody actually living life lives on that level.

Let's all move on. :]

xoxo

Megan

Weight loss summary:

Like a roller coaster. :]

I've been avoiding this blog like the plague for the past few days.

I decided to "reload" this weekend -- a term for HCG's setting your metabolism back at a good rate -- and I feel like it backfired. I gained all my weight back. The only reason I am returning to this blog is because I refuse to be a failure and it is important to hold myself accountable for mistakes made. I am also trying really hard not to beat myself up too badly. I think it also goes to show how differently my body handles food rather than a "normal" body.

Uriah and I were talking about how everyone knows someone who can eat anything they want and won't gain an ounce. I am kind of the opposite -- everything I even think about touching goes straight on. Good god it's frustrating.

I decided to hop back on the horse yesterday. I attended the spinning class with my friend Paige and the instructor only let us do 20 minutes since it was our first time, and that was plenty! My.. parts.. hurt so bad! They say you get used to it... how long until then? Ouch!

Weightloss Summary... 
So since gaining the weight back: +6.6
Since yesterday: -.8 (obviously it didn't "reset" my metabolism)
Total: -.8

xoxo
Megan

I have heard stories about people who have undergone weight loss surgery who then try to eat and it makes them sick or even vomit. I (oddly) coveted this dilemma because I was quite sure at times in my life that my stomach was a bottomless pit. Last night, I felt the torture of overeating nausea and subsequent vomiting.

Long story short, mom cooked. I didn't feel as though I overate, but I think I overate for the limitations I have put on myself and the supplements I am taking. I learned a valuable lesson last night. Hopefully this will teach me more about portion control, as well.

I had another thought this morning while I was helping my niece get ready for school. She is the most beautiful, kind-hearted, sweet-spirited twelve y/o child and she has always been my "mini-me". Then there are the times when her stubborn nature (no clue where she gets it from) are a tad bit overwhelming and we are at odds. I have set this child up for success from decorating her room from top to bottom to buying her school wardrobe almost every year. I love my niece and nephew that live with us VERY much -- they have so much of my heart -- but my role with them is odd. Part sister, part mother, part disciplinarian, and LASTLY part AUNT. Mean, fun, generous, stingy, bitter etc.. they have had to experience all these sides of me which is so unfortunate and something I deeply regret. But I have grown up with them and wasn't ready for the position of "parenthood" (?) I was put into with them when I was and sadly I haven't been able to give them as much as they deserve from any aspect of me. Back on subject, I try to supply them with what I can (as my main love language is gift giving) and my niece loves to say that the pants for today are itchy or that something is wrong with her shirt. It drives me insane because I know once she puts it on she looks adorable. Then come her least favorite words... "let me fix your hair." She hates this more than anything... maybe for my lack of mercy with tangles, but either way... I also know how confident she feels when she looks "put-together." So, this morning, I insisted on throwing her hair in a ponytail which was met with her typical resistance. I was brushing her hair back and she pointed at her ear and said "My ear is weird. It's not like the other one." First of all, I looked at it and nothing was weird about it. Then a rush of anger (at the world, myself, my sinfulness, etc.) hit me. Not that this was a momentously tragic situation, but that my niece found something so minutely wrong to fixate on about herself. It really saddens me that I've been this type of example. I believe in bettering yourself, but I also believe in loving yourself.

Learning in progress.

Weightloss Summary..
Since Yesterday: -1.6 (yea, thanks nausea)
Overall: -6.6

xoxo
Megan

Starbs

Feeling good today.. the first day that I felt a difference in my weight. That feeling is hard to describe. Even though I know it's not noticeable, I am grateful for the feeling because it provides motivation.

I did pretty well eating wise yesterday -- drank a lot of ounces of water & water-y drinks and ate well.

Oh, and then I ate a whole bunch of tootsie rolls. Seriously, though.. what is my problem? I am laughing this one off, even though I should probably take it more seriously. I was noticing yesterday that I wasn't craving anything at all and didn't have any desires to binge eat or eat unhealthy -- except I was craving chocolate. Me mum says that's because my insulin levels are wacky because of PCOS. I need to learn to notice that because you know what that leads to? DIABETES. You know what DIABETES leads to? A whole mess of other issues and I'm not up for it.

Apparently, my sugar tooth hung over for the morning, and I decided to stop by starbucks -- but I got a skinny mocha with soy meaning it was sugar free. Not a huge advocate of sugar free stuff because of aspertame, but I did it and enjoyed it. That's also the problem with giving into a sweet tooth in the first place -- it fuels the fire and promotes cravings. Maybe I should commit to giving up sugars (sans fruit.) I will think on this more.

Regardless, I must have gotten my taste for coffee back because I'm sipping on a big cup of it this morning. My mood: content.

In other news: a friend and I signed up for a SPINNING class Monday. Quite literally, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, but I am looking forward to the guaranteed one hour of sweating! And by looking forward to, I mean scared out of my mind.. but optimistic!

Weight Loss Summary..
Since Yesterday: -1.2lbs
Total: -5lbs

xoxo
Megan

Apathy: Friend or Foe

I've been feeling rather apathetic lately, especially in regards to motivation of weight loss. It is frustrating because I am usually on one end of the scale or the other (like, super motivated or super discouraged.)

I don't see it as a bad thing.

Even though things feel a little cloudy, a recurring theme in my life right now is learning about the gray zone. I'm a huge lover of black and white. I want to know what it is going on so I can accept it which in return puts my spirit at ease. But as I am learning, in both relationship and dieting, extremes aren't always the the best thing, and it is pretty controlling of me to demand that.

You miss a lot of beauty in life when you only see in black in white. One of the many things my relationship with Uriah is teaching me is this. I am so grateful for who he is and every bit of him that is not like me, because I get so sick of myself. God must have knowingly given me a man with such patience who is able to gently guide me through my "extreme" stages. I think there is a medical term for this... "bipolar," perhaps? Yeesh.

Anyway, I suppose apathy isn't so much the word to use. I think mellowing out, or even accepting the day-to-day is where I am. Realizing that yes, I want weight loss NOW, but NOW is not five minutes, a day, a week, or a month. That I am getting there but it's about steady steps, not extreme ones that lead to disappointment and a cycle of self-loathing and seemingly, unforgivable failures.

Instead, I'm going to aim for a steady desire to improve myself. In an "extreme mode" panic yesterday, I asked my mom for some help with long-term motivation... she said to picture myself giving myself insulin at 30 years-old or the possibility of not having children. From my mother, who is usually the most gentle spirited person ever, this was something that caught my attention. It's more than fitting into a dress in three months time, it's about quality of life, having children, and pushing myself to be the best I can be. All things that I want.

Weight Loss Summary..
Since Yesterday: -1.4
Total: -3.8

xoxo
Megan